Archive for the 'Musings' Category

Rescue Is Possible

TWLOHA tee

I got the chance to meet & talk with a few of the TWLOHA UK crew at Greenbelt over the weekend. I’ve been following their story for a few years now, after a friend introduced me to it back in Chicago. I love it.

There have been so many points along my journey when their hope, and their words, have been the thing that has saved me. To read words that can bring you back to life… there’s something so precious in that.

“You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you’re part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters.”

To Write Love On Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for those struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. Find out more on the TWLOHA website.

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Today & Tomorrow

“Don’t be like some broken lawyer, always asking for answers, always reaching for rewind. Guilt and regret, those are awful places. You know that. So don’t live there. Do not despair. Do not be afraid. Grace is the interesting thing.

And God must be a pretty big fan of “today”, because you keep waking up to it. You have made known your request for a hundred different yesterdays, but the sun keeps rising on this thing that has never been known. Yesterday is dead and over. Wrapped in grace. Those days are grace. You are still alive, and today is the most interesting day.”

[TWLOHA]

Today I had a massage. It was heaven.

Tomorrow I’m heading through to Edinburgh for a little Poverty Monologues prep & some time to hang out with some good friends.

Every morning I wake up to a new day. So do you.

What are we doing about it?

Searching For Story

We’re all searching for meaning.

We want someone to tell us our life matters. Myself included. I’ve been the girl on the floor in the middle of the night in tears. The silent sobs that feel like every breath is going to be the last.

There are these words that seem to define periods. Hope kept coming up in 2008. I think story is 2009’s word. Not that hopes gone anywhere, mind you.

Stephen wanted someone to tell him his life mattered, to know that someone cares.

Dish has been reflecting on how our dreams change over time, all the while shaping us into who we are becoming.

Ben’s created a whole conference around the idea of Story.

Our stories are as instinctive and as necessary as our breathe. It shapes us. It’s who we are. Story is the stuff that we are made of.

Vulnerability, Pain & Ice Cream

You might have noticed a theme in my Oxford trip, and in my trips generally: food.

I love food. Love the different textures and tastes, the sights and smells. Love how a simple smell can get me salivating.

Oxford was no different than my usual trips. A milkshake here. Some Moroccan tapas there. A fresh cookie here. The best ice cream I’ve ever tasted there.

ice cream

We sat over a late night coffee ice cream & hot choc fudge sauce on Saturday night, talking about life. Chit chat. Deep chat. Everything in between.

And I got called out. Caroline asked me questions I wasn’t anticipating. I won’t go into the subject matter here, but she pulled me up on something I’ve continued having & doing; about whether it’s good for me, for my heart. She suggested giving my heart some space by stopping/ removing it.

I resented it. I glossed over it. I defended it.

But really, she’s right. It’s been months, and she’s been the first person to suggest it, to ask me about it. It was painful, and I wanted to move off it quickly. My words and my actions still don’t quite match up when it comes to honesty, to making myself vulnerable before people.

I am so grateful for friends who call me out on stuff, who are not afraid to tell it like it is.

empty_icecream

So yea, there’ll be some changes in my life. Minor ones, that you’ll probably never see.

But I will.

Being Amazing

There’s been some chatter lately on a few blogs I read (Anne, Joshua) about how people are afraid to be amazing. For me, it’s a throw back to the first time I saw Coach Carter.

I know. You’re thinking, what?!

“Our deepest fear is not that we are in adequate.
It is that we are powerful beyond measure.”

I have some pretty huge dreams. The kind that terrify me, that I question if I will ever achieve. But they also keep me awake at night with excitement. Photographs that change the world? I’ve been told many things. That I’m idealistic (which, by the way, I want to reclaim as a good thing). That my head is in the clouds. That I’m not living in the real world.

Sound familiar?

Well guess what? So what. I’m not afraid anymore. I’m not afraid to say I’m good at this. That I believe in it’s purpose and it’s power. I love how I’ve seen my work improve over the last year especially. I think we’ve spent too long with such a weird, distorted sense of false humility. You’re awesome. Believe in yourself.

Portstewart

So yea. I’m amazing. How about you?

Ruminating

“People tell me it’s a sin, to hold so much pain and hurt within.”
[Bob Dylan]

“He’s the master I need when I’m really struggling, because I can curse him and show him all my failures and flaws and all he does is laugh. Laugh, and love me.”
[Elizabeth Gilbert]

“You know with all your heart and soul that not one of all the good promises the LORD your God gave you has failed. Every promise has been fulfilled; not one has failed.”
[Josh 23:14]

And a million other things.

More Honest Than I’ve Been Before

The monitor glare lights the space around me. An American worship band are providing the soundtrack via their mySpace. A physically distant yet emotionally close friend, provides me with a sounding board, via iChat.

I’m typing as I go, trying to make some sense of the emotions and the thoughts running through my head today. I weep as I realise what I have just typed. I weep for something I have never known.

How can you miss something you have never had?

I fear making the same mistakes. I fear becoming the same person.

And I struggle to hold those ideas in tension, to reconcile them. I struggle to let Jesus work. I struggle to let him take the pain. I struggle to let him do new things in our relationship. And at my most honest, I struggle to believe he will.

Some days it’s harder to cling to hope than others. Thank goodness we don’t walk this alone.


Quote

"Ultimately, movement is only as valuable as your commitment to stillness, and vice versa."

Pico Iyer

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